Why No Contact is Essential if You Love Your Abuser

I love my abusers. I feel compassion for them. I can rise out of my own hurt feelings to see their humanity. I understand the challenges that shaped them, and I grieve the abuses that happened to them. However, none of this means I ought to be in a relationship with them. Loving them does … Continue reading Why No Contact is Essential if You Love Your Abuser

Authenticity is Stronger Than a “Tough Skin”

As a writer who has worked in Hollywood, I often hear people offering this advice: "You need a tough skin in order to make it in this business." A "tough skin" is supposed to ward off the bad feelings that go along with rejection, which is what I live with on a daily basis. Anyone … Continue reading Authenticity is Stronger Than a “Tough Skin”

Big Goals are not Stand-ins for Love

I have an enormous goal. I've spent tens of thousands of hours honing my craft in order to reach it. I've spent even more on education and lifestyle changes to give myself the space, time, and know-how to accomplish it. I don't even want to count the lost wages (and benefits and retirement savings) from … Continue reading Big Goals are not Stand-ins for Love

Hey, HR: If You Want a Productive Workplace, Maybe Stop Advertising for Psychopaths?

Dear Human Resources Department, Your work culture is toxic. How do I know? Almost inevitably, your advertised job opening goes something like this: "Fast-paced company seeks flexible, self-starting multitasker with strong attention to detail who thrives in a chaotic environment." Let me stop you right there, HR person, because what you advertise is not a … Continue reading Hey, HR: If You Want a Productive Workplace, Maybe Stop Advertising for Psychopaths?

What I Want To Say to the Person Who Just Escaped My Abuser

I recently learned that someone left one of my abusers. As much as I would love to take her to coffee and have a long, heartfelt conversation, it is neither wise or safe for me to make contact. I've had zero contact with my abuser for many years, and I never met the person who … Continue reading What I Want To Say to the Person Who Just Escaped My Abuser

When Your Own Narrative is a Life or Death Issue

We all know how it feels when someone gossips about us. We've all been on the receiving end of sensitive information about someone else that's none of our business. We've all said something out of turn about another person. The sting of betrayal is hurtful and annoying, but for many, it's not a huge deal. … Continue reading When Your Own Narrative is a Life or Death Issue

Processing Trauma is a Privilege

Processing trauma means you are going to the trenches in order to heal. You're wading into the deep, murky waters of your subconscious mind to free up the gunky messes that rooted themselves long ago. It's expensive financially, and even more so energetically. It's hard, painful, all-consuming work, and it requires a ton of courage … Continue reading Processing Trauma is a Privilege

Why Didn’t I Report? Thank You For Asking…

The first time it happened that I can remember, I was three years old. Three. That alone ought to be reason enough as to why I didn't report my sexual assault. Like many in the same situation as me, I did not have the kind of parents whom I could report things to. I did … Continue reading Why Didn’t I Report? Thank You For Asking…

No, You Are Not ‘Too’ Sensitive

It is common for the victims of narcissistic abuse to be kind, caring, compassionate people. They are often so tuned in to the needs of others and so good at listening and understanding that they become unwitting targets for toxic people. They are too often labeled as being "too" sensitive, when they feel hurt by … Continue reading No, You Are Not ‘Too’ Sensitive

The Three Words Childhood Trauma Survivors Need To Hear

Childhood trauma is a uniquely confusing experience. For many of us, the very people whom we were required to rely on for our survival were also the ones threatening it. It's hard enough to sort out this kind of abuse as an adult, but this disconnect can wreck havoc on a developing brain. Trauma research … Continue reading The Three Words Childhood Trauma Survivors Need To Hear